Just for laughs . . .
Unitarians and Universalists take an unserious look at themselves.
Universalists believed that God was too good to damn people while Unitarians believed that they were too good to be damned.
* * *
Unitarians and Universalists are basically good people, who, for the most part, try to live by the 10 suggestions.
* * *
Ask a Unitarian: how many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb - and don't be surprised if the answer sounds something like this:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favour of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb. Present it next month at our annual Light Bulb Sunday Service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
* * *
Why did the UU cross the road?
To support the chicken in its search for its own path.
* * *
During church school, the teacher asks if anyone can explain what Easter is. A little boy waves his hand, so wanting to be called on. The teacher says, "Ok, Johnny, what is Easter?"
Johnny begins, "Easter is that time of year when the whole family gathers around a table with a turkey to giver thanks for the blessings of a good harvest." "
Ah, Johnny, not quite. That is Thanksgiving, but a good description. Does anyone know what Easter is?"
A Little girl raises her hand. "Easter is that time of the year when the family all gathers around a tree to sing carols and put decorations on the tree and they all give presents."
"Well, maybe a bit closer, but not quite. Would anyone else like to venture a guess?"
Another little girl, of course, knew the answer. "It is the time after Jesus died when the stone at his grave was rolled back, and Jesus started to go up to heaven and looked back down and saw his shadow and went back in for six more weeks."
* * *
A Unitarian Universalist died, and to his surprise discovered that there was
indeed an afterlife. The angel in charge of these things told him,
"Because you were an unbeliever and a doubter and a skeptic, you will be sent to Hell for all eternity -- which, in your case, consists of a place where no one will disagree with you ever again!"
* * *
It seems there is a guy who saves for twenty years to buy his dream car. He
finally shells out a fortune for a brand-new, high-horsepower Lamborghini. Recognizing
the deeply felt significance of realizing his lifelong dream, he drives over
to a nearby Catholic Church and knocks on the parsonage door.
"Father, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on
my Lamborghini."
"Certainly, my son, " replies the priest, "but what's a Lamborghini?"
"Sorry to have troubled you father - I just have a feeling you're not the
right man for the job. "So he drives to a nearby United Church and repeats
the question:
"Pastor, I was wondering whether you'd be willing to say a blessing on
my Lamborghini." "Certainly, "replies the pastor, "but what's
a Lamborghini."
"Gosh, Pastor, I guess maybe you're not the right person for this job."
So he drives a little further along and comes to a UU meeting house and finds
the minister. "I was wondering whether you would be willing to say a blessing
on my Lamborghini."
"Certainly," replies the UU minister, "I'd love to. But . . .
. what's a 'blessing'?"
* * *
The children in a UU church school class were drawing pictures. The teacher
asked one,
"What are you drawing a picture of?"
"I'm drawing a picture of God," was the reply.
"But nobody knows what God looks like," objected the teacher.
"They will," said the UU child, "when I get my picture done.
* * *
A Hindu, a Jew, and a Unitarian were traveling one night in the midst of nowhere,
and the weather turned bad. They started looking for shelter, and found a farmhouse.
They knocked on the door and were greeted by a gentleman who understood their
plight.
"You're welcome here, fellas. In fact, I have a guest room upstairs. But there's only room for two to sleep up there. One of you will have to sleep in the barn. That's not a problem, though, because the barn is warm and I just put a fresh bed of hay out there."
So the Hindu, the Jew, and the Unitarian decided to draw straws to see who would sleep in the barn. The Hindu came up short, and he picked up the pillow and blanket the farmer had provided and went out to the barn. The Jew and the Unitarian were getting ready for bed when a knock came on the bedroom door. It was the Hindu, and he said, "Fellas, I'm upset. There's a cow in the barn, and I know he's being bred for slaughter. That just doesn't sit well with my faith."
Since the Jew had drawn the next shorter straw, he volunteered to sleep in the barn instead, and he picked up the blanket and pillow and went out. The Hindu and Unitarian were about to climb into bed when another knock came at the door. It was the Jew. "Fellas, I'm sorry, but there's a pig out there, and knowing my dietary restrictions and the fact that that pig is obviously being bred for market, I just can't stay out there."
So the Unitarian said, "That's okay. I'll go out. I should have volunteered in the first place, knowing your concerns." So he picked up the blanket and pillow and headed to the barn. The Hindu and the Jew were just about to turn out the light when another knock came at the door. It was the cow and the pig . . .
* * *
The kindergarten class was discussing "prayer", and the children seemed aware that the way you end a prayer was with "amen."
"Does anyone know what "amen" means?" the teacher asked. There was a long silence. Then one little boy piped up, with appropriate, computer-age gestures, and said,
"Well, I think it means, like, 'send.'"
* * *
How can you tell a Unitarian Universalist?
You can't; they already know it all.
We acknowledge, with gratitude, that this material came for the most part from the website of the First Unitarian Congregation of Ottawa and we thank them for leaving their website door unlocked. They, in turn, acknowledge their debt to the First Unitarian Congregation of Toronto. And Toronto? Could all of this have something to do with principle 7 wherein we speak of "the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part."?