| February 15, 2009 | Opening the Love Box Reverend Jane Bramadat |
Meditation
"Let me begin by telling you a little about yourself. To one extent or another the following is true:
You are self-conscious about your appearance;
You feel guilty about things you have done or failed to do.
You sometimes have a hard time accepting yourself or forgiving others.
You are insecure sexually.
You are a less-than-perfect parent, or a less-than-perfect child of imperfect parents, or both.
You are a frustrated husband, wife, or partner, or you are frustrated not to be a husband, wife or partner.
You have secrets, which you might betray, or which might betray you, at any moment.
However successful you are, you fail in ways that matter both to you and to your loved ones.
Beyond all this, your life is stressful, your happiness fleeting, your health insecure.
You worry about aging.
You sometimes worry about dying.
More than once your heart has been broken by betrayal or loss.
And however successful you may be, however deep your faith,
when the roof caves in, you shake your fist at heaven, the fates, or
life itself.
You beg for an answer to the question "Why?" - "Why this? Why me? Why now?
You wonder what your life means.
All of the above holds true for me as well. Not that I don't have my own quirks. Among other things,
I have dealt with lust by taking off my glasses.
I read two tabloids almost every day.
I have lied to my parents and also to my children.
I have lied to my wife when I didn't even have to.
....
I have quenched my fears sometimes with drink and sometimes with anger.
I do everything I can to avoid pain.
And yet I am loved so deeply that all I fear should be washed away by love's tide...
I have learned that we are what we love. If we love too deeply something too small for so deep an attachment, our love will destroy both it and us. If we love only in little ways, even if the object is as big as God, our love will be insufficient. Any quest for meaning searches the human heart."
(Lifecraft-the art of meaning in the everyday (2000) by Forrest Church. He also wrote Love and Death: My Journey through the Valley of the Shadow)
Sermon
Some time ago I found myself remembering a comment made to me about 'Pandora's box'...
I thought about that particular myth and how it had been perverted from its original meaning. The original myth (and myths were usually developed to emphasize and acknowledge an important truth) - the original myth was about Pandora - the Earth-goddess called "all-giver" (all gifting) who had a vase from which she poured out blessings like love, joy, generosity, curiosity, cooperation.
When the attempt was made to erase any stories or celebrations that showed either an equality of skills, abilities and results between men and women; or that women were as powerful as men -- negative myths/stories were created to cover over older, more positive ones. Thus it was that the Greek writer Hesiod, reconfigured the Pandora myth in the way that many of us still remember it. Not blessings but curses (war, famine, disease, etc.) were to be loosed on all of humankind - as a malicious joke of Zeus and carried out by a silly willful woman (the new Pandora). Hope was thrown in as a sop to possibility - but it was simply a cover-up as is almost all revisionist history.
The reality of life is usually found somewhere between the idealism of the original Pandora story and the cynicism of the Hesiod rewrite. And I hope, much nearer to the original than to the rewrite...
To make up for losing Pandora’s myth, now that Valentine’s Day has passed, now that the hype of what some call the “Hallmark moment” is over, we can consider what we would find if we opened a box labeled "love." It is neither Pandora's nor Hesiod's box but it carries a similar caution - open this box carefully - it contains explosive, corrosive, implosive and empowering materials that need to be respected.
I bring up this topic because one of our Unitarian Universalist sources is “inspiration from the words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love.” We need to make sure we take a pulse from time to time of ourselves and of our religious communities as to how aware we are of the power of love - are we abusing it, using it, losing it, choosing it? Is our religion and our religious community still conducive to the development of love?
It is also my hope that through our exploration of some of the various kinds of love, some insight will help us in different ways to re-affirm a desire to use love, or let love use us, to promote health and balance in individual, societal and environmental situations. And more than that, that at least in the privacy of our minds and hearts we will make a commitment to do this in the "spirit" as much as in the "letter" of any action or comment we may make.
What kinds of love are there in the love box? Some of the varieties of love are: compassion, obsession, commitment, possessiveness. All of you will have thought of others...I know I already have... like narcissism, and self-worth...
Now the reading in this morning's meditation began with a list of characteristics Forrest Church says are common to us all. For example, 'You sometimes have a hard time accepting yourself or forgiving others.' Lack of acceptance, or lack of forgiveness are among many ways of being that can make it difficult to release the power of love...at least the healthy segment. Because if you find it hard to accept yourself or forgive others, it will be difficult to accept others and forgive yourself. The reading in this morning's meditation ended with the commentary: "we are what we love. If we love too deeply something too small for so deep an attachment, our love will destroy both it and us. If we love only in little ways, even if the object is as big as God, our love will be insufficient. Any quest for meaning searches the human heart."
I agree with these insights of Forrest Church. It is the actions we take or don't take in relation to any love, that shows us in our true light. Is it easy to differentiate between healthy and unhealthy love? Sometimes yes, sometimes no.
Of the kinds of love I mentioned, love that results in obsession, possessiveness, or narcissism is unhealthy. These loves are what Forrest Church is talking about when he say: "If we love too deeply something too small for so deep an attachment, our love will destroy both it and us."
Obsessive love is seldom admitted to, because it involves the destruction of inner controls and balance and few of us are ready to admit to such a loss...but it covers things like being fixated on a person, pet or object and refusing them any freedom or right to change. Obsessive love can lead to suspicion, isolation and the need for revenge. Our media keeps us up to date daily with news of the results of love gone awry.
Possessive love runs the gamut from parents who wish to control every aspect of their children's lives no matter what their age; to simply needing to control one's partner's activities: from refusing to share any part of your good fortune to seeing the possession of more money or land as the single raison d'être; from countries that turn a blind eye to graft to countries that encourage patriotism to the exclusion of love of families, friends, or values; from a religious perspective that requires unquestioning obedience to matters of belief to religions that insist your love for your family does not count if they have not accepted the same creeds you have.
Narcissistic love is love of self that has imploded. That is, it has become mesmerised with an idealised version of self that allows for no possibility of improvement or growth. As the Reverend William Sloane Coffin said in Forrest Church’s Lifecraft; "There is no smaller package in the world than someone who is all wrapped up in himself." If we love only in little ways, says Forrest Church, even if the object is as big as God, our love will be insufficient.
Compassion, commitment and self-worth are descriptors I would use for forms of love that are healthy.
Compassion is love that radiates outward; that includes family and friends but also moves past them to take in as much of creation as can be handled. It is the kind of love practiced by Mother Teresa, Gandhi and perhaps/most likely one/many of your neighbours. Compassion holds that service to others is a way to be healthier in one's own heart and soul.
Commitment is the kind of love that gives its loyalty freely and joyfully to a group or groups that provide a person with meaning and a purpose for living. It finds a pleasure in returning to the group some small token of love for the foundation that makes life fulfilled.
But before anything else, one needs to have self-worth. To love others well and truly requires that you first of all love yourself. "Any quest for meaning searches the human heart" and insists that the love others receive starts from a special heart that will replenish itself only by giving a love away that has been cherished at its core. This is tricky because if you love only yourself, you fall into narcissism; if you don't love yourself enough then you experience a lack of self-worth and self-hate can become the flavour of your lifetime.
Well those are some of the types of love one finds in a love box. They are available to all and require some discernment to determine which types will bring an enhanced life to you and the rest of creation.
In some ways it is not all that hard to figure out. Erich Fromm says in the Art of Loving that: "The capacity to love demands a state of intensity, awakeness, enhanced vitality, which can only be the result of a productive and active orientation in many other spheres of life....To be loved and to love, needs courage, the courage to judge certain values as of ultimate concern - and to take the jump and stake everything on these values."
To judge certain values as of ultimate concern - and to take the jump and stake everything on these values...
When you look at the kinds of love in the box we have opened - what values of ultimate concern do you have to give you courage for love? Are integrity and the importance of reason present? How about patience? honesty? and a sense of humour? And do you also include wonder and awe? If all you bring of ultimate concern is a mean-spirited or fearful nature then it may be difficult to locate a form of love that will cause the transformation that healthy love is famous for. Fortunately you will be given many opportunities to open this box without disaster forbidding you a return visit. Being willing to attempt love - in one of its more positive forms makes the box easier to open.
Finally, there is a wonderful image I found in a colleague's newsletter some years ago - Bets Wienecke - and from an author I read and admire - Ursula LeGuin. Ursula said: "Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread--re-made all the time, like new."
Just think of that - love has to be made, like bread--re-made all the time, like new. Those of you who make bread or have watched it being made or have been there to smell the fragrant aroma or take the first slice will immediately picture the procedure. First you have to gather the ingredients and prepare for the right temperature; then you mix the ingredients and produce a dough that must be kneaded just so. Then comes the time of waiting, while the ingredients work on each other in an environment that is conducive to their growth and elasticity. Next one often has to deflate the dough because that will allow it to gather strength to grow even more. Then the dough is placed in a baking container that will give the love bread support for the next stage. Finally, the right amount of heat (of warmth) and the bread finishes - brown and steaming and ambrosial. Too much heat and it would burn; too little heat and it will be soggy.
Then the joy and feeling of accomplishment of the finished product. Then...having to let go because you've eaten it all! And then you must begin all over.
I wonder if some people don't see love as a product that you make once and then it will never have to be made again? Or like a magic potion that will just reproduce itself with no further effort on your part? And do others perhaps, in their grief or pain or skewed perception see love like a stone and either reject it as inedible or try to use it for a different purpose - to mutilate or destroy themselves or others?
I choose to believe that here, at First Unitarian, we work hard at trying to make the best love bread possible. Yes, there are times when the bread has been baked without any leavening agent; there have been times when it has been left too long - out of carelessness, or ignorance...and boy is it hard; there are even times when it has only been half-baked. But we never stop trying. The ingredients are all here. We keep trying and experimenting and sometimes we get it right and then we celebrate! The bread that love makes is the bread of life. It is worth working on until we understand the recipe that is right for this community.
Am I telling you that this box of love is a bread box? I guess that is one way of putting it! But what could be better than a box that you are encouraged to take from when you need nourishment, to replenish when that is invited, to clear out the stale, hard or moldy pieces when you notice them. Imagine being in charge of the bread of life! Imagine remaking yourself each time and being a co-creator in helping other parts of creation (including this religious community) remake itself anew, all the time. Never stale, ever new, but with a tried and true recipe. Surely some of what you fear will vanish with love's rising - and yet again it rises and with it all that can be.
Closing Words
“Love is the spirit of this church,
and service its law.
This is our great covenant:
To dwell together in peace,
To seek the truth in love,
And to help one another.” (#473,SLT)
Peace, love, support: may they
always be found in our presence.
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